Why we hide emotional pain
Deep down, I have always been pretty in tune with my emotions and my reactive responses towards my experiences and my own deep internal wounds; however it has always been a super difficult part of my life when it comes to expressing my feelings in healthy manners, as I did not have the appropriate mentors to help me decipher if what I was feeling was okay. As a child, I often was criticized or told to look at the cup half full and to always look at the bright side; however those statements always made me feel unsatisfied, or in fact actually created deeper holes within my soul, because mentally I recognized that talking about negative experiences and feelings/emotions were frowned upon.
These statements and hard-learned lessons were what I needed to cope through my childhood/adolescent years; however, it has become a huge barrier in my own personal conflicts, my relationships, and my own growth. I always knew that I had issues regarding my own mental health and well being; however, I had to push through in order to make it to my career and for my own survival, so I became a master at boxing particular experiences, emotional pains into a locked box, in order to function in society, as my experiences growing up, you were considered weak and couldn’t handle daily life/stresses/relationships.
It wasn’t until this year where I recognized within myself how much I was neglecting who I was at the deeper soul level and how much I was actually hurting myself by not truly expressing my feelings, or my emotions in order to keep the people I love safe, and to also cover up the fact that my soul was dying inside from the lack of reflection, the lack of care I once gave myself, decades earlier. I figured if I fought through the trauma and the negative emotions, that they would eventually subside. Insane how quickly you grow up in the state of fear, of neglect and loss. But at that time, I had to do what I had to do in order to survive emotionally.
Low and behold, I became super ill in my thirties, on route to my multi-generational trauma and was on route to becoming severely ill emotionally, mentally and physically. I had no understanding why this was happening, as I often was on top of the world at handling my life and hoping to overcome these skills/statements and “talks” from my family and friends. I became so entrenched in all the emotions and feelings I was holding onto that I began digging through the quicksand to eventually becoming stuck in my own tracks. How Trauma Is Carried Across Generations
Since finally talking and expressing my feelings one by one with a trauma specialist and many other avenues to regain perspective, I have learned that dealing with each emotion for what it is, and also the effect it has on my body; I have come to realize how much I lost who I had become, by being secretive and blocked. I was actually returning to a very dark place in my childhood….because I wasn’t dealing with the experiences for what they were and the boxes I once created started to reopen in situations/events/relationships I had been creating. So as I begin processing through my life events from the beginning of time, I have started to regain a new strength I once had as a little girl, but this time it’s so powerful and gives me a new sense of hope and light. It helps put perspective on just how much strength I did have without parents, or the emotional attachment I never had growing up. It is writing that always gave me freedom and I finally got that back ❤
Learning that trusting in those you love is okay and being able to express my feelings and emotions in healthy ways (which I’m still learning), as I remember doing so as a child and it never ended in good ways for my emotional safety. I learned that what I was feeling was affecting those around me, so I began patting what I was feeling down deep into my soul and disassociating from my body in order to cope with the severe emotional pain I was experiencing-internally within my body and my mind. I remember reflecting on this as a teen. If I couldn’t get rid of the feelings within me; I might as well just disassociate from my body in order to keep moving ahead.
I came to realize that the people I was attracting into my life were those who needed my emotional strength too. We can all be that person for someone; however, you must look deeply into your soul to figure out why these people are attracted to us and problem solve in order not to get sucked into a deeper state of destruction.
We all make mistakes in our lives and my biggest one was the one that came around full circle. It caused me to truly reflect and realize that what I once thought was a coping mechanism was actually severely hindering my adult life in all aspects. I attract individuals who are not emotionally present, or who are unable to open themselves up either. I never had someone who was emotionally connected to me in fear that they would use my “weakness” as their gain. and unfortunately, this also caused severe damage in my trust levels.
“The law of attraction states that “like attracts like.” This means that people with a low frequency — people who are insecure and self-abandoning — attract each other, while people with a high frequency — people who love and value themselves — also attract each other.” Why you attract who you attract
The one thing I recognized is how grateful I am to those people I attracted because we did grow and share; however I recognized within myself in my safety net as an adult that what I was doing was holding myself back, by trying to help those around me….because as a child, I figured if I had no idea what my life was coming to because it seemed so fearful already at a young age—I figured I would wake up every morning and hopefully light up everyone around me. I would give a smile, I would talk to someone who needed it and I would help and be there for others, in hopes that it would come around in full circle to me when I needed it the most.
It may have been my strategy as a child, but it certainly isn’t my main strategy as an adult. I recognize we all have to be there for each other because no one should ever feel alone, abandoned, rejected and dismissed for who they are. We all experience the same human emotions and feelings. It’s how we delve into them and how we express ourselves that can break open parts of whom we are deep down.
My heart started to break barriers and walls when I met people who were once like me as a child, but more so in my adult years in a profession I absolutely LOVE beyond words, along with amazing friends and family who have stuck with me through it all…..the ones who thought and reflected deep within themselves. These are the people who have enlightened my heart and soul….who have relit a flame within myself.
and for that, I’m eternally grateful. You know who you are! ❤